A wedding - a celebration of life?

BP was a year junior to me at university. Coming from a similar family background, we clicked. Our paths would occasionally meet in the daily hustle and bustle of our academic lives. Our course required us to spend two of our five academic years away from the main campus, at the university's teaching hospital in the East Coast State of Kelantan.

It was in my last year that BP used to hang out in my room in between his long studying hours. We used to chat about little things, such as quirky occurrences during ward rounds and other similar topics.

Soon, it was 1988, and it was convocation time, marking the beginning of the different paths life would take us. Working in various hospitals, we acquired the necessary skills to progress in our field of expertise.

Periodically, we kept in touch, trying to stay in touch as often as possible. It was the pre-digital era; hence, we had only depended on landlines and physical meetings.

Just last month, I was pleasantly surprised when BP called me on my mobile phone to invite me to his daughter's wedding. It took place in a private hall in a small town.

I used to think weddings were something personal, only to be shared within a close family circle and friends. That a large celebration was opulence and a waste of money that could be put to better use.

After attending the celebration, it dawned upon me that it is more than flaunting one's wealth or one that irks the roving eyes. I began to view wedding celebrations in a different light. It is a celebration of the path that both families traversed. It brings together all the people who were somehow involved in shaping a young couple into what they are today. They must have gone through their ups and downs together. This moment must be the victory lap for their labour of love, not for others to see but for themselves to bask in the glory for a task well done.

As mysterious as life can be, I noticed that many people BP invited for the wedding celebration were also known to me, but not through the standard university connection. The same people who crossed BP's life also crossed mine, albeit at different times during training in various towns. So it was a good catch-up time for me too. Some of them I had lost contact with for over twenty years.

Life springs so many surprises. Just like how I met BP many years after graduating in 1988. It was 1995, and as I was walking along the cobbled streets of Edinburgh one warm November afternoon, who did I bump into? A jubilant BP who had just passed his membership examinations at the Royal College of Medicine! And I was given the honour to share the proud moment of him receiving the scroll from the President of the College.

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Against the tide?

Vijay 69 (Hindi, 2024)

Director: Akshay Roy

To be sure, there is another movie called Thalapathy 69. That is an untitled, yet-to-be-released 69th film by Tamil movie star Vijay. This 69th venture would be his last, as he has embarked on a full-time career in Tamil Nadu politics.

This is a motivational movie aimed not only at senior citizens but also at the rest of society. 

I vividly remember my father chatting with his friends when I was probably 15. Their common friend had died suddenly after an apparent heart attack. After the expected condolences and the sombre tone of the conversation, somebody cut in to say, "... but he is 54 and is due to retire next year!". It was then perfectly normal for someone past 50 to die. See how things have changed in 40-over years.

Recently, a dear friend, aged 63, succumbed to a coronary event. This happened even when being under the keen watch of a cardiologist. His friends had this say, "63 is not the age to die. He went off too soon."

How much has changed in 45 years? Malaysians have increased their life expectancy and are in better health than the previous generations. Naturally, when they retire from their jobs, anywhere between 55 and 60, they feel their wings have been clipped. Unlike their fathers, who wait for Lord Yama to come a-calling anytime after retirement, they think they have much wisdom and energy to impart to the generation after them. Unfortunately, their downlines are not looking at them as hindrances. The young ones want to prove their worth on their own terms. They want the oldies to take a bow. It is not they are annoyed with them or do not like them hanging around. The elders have their uses, but telling the next generation what to do is not one of them. Things have changed since the time their fathers learnt things.

Hence, the oldies are left to their cocoon, perhaps feeling worthless. Only so much can one interact with their respective better (or other) halves. The desire to fulfil unachieved ambitions or the need to leave a legacy soon pops up. They want to do so much. They think they have so much juice, but everyone around them thinks otherwise. At one point, the senior starts thinking about whether the others are gaslighting him. They would quote this person or that person who dropped dead like a swatted fly. The aura would be created for oldies to be convinced they must sit still at home, waiting to be engulfed by the flames of time.

Against this tide, a small group of madmen arises against the negativities to prove something to themselves. This is the story of Vijay Matthew, a foul-mouth 69-year-old small-time swimming instructor who had just lost his wife to cancer. Still reeling from failing to clinch the gold medal at the national swimming days in his young days, he is a man on a mission. He wants to complete a triathlon at the age of 69. This self-motivating comedic sketch is a joy to watch. Vijay is played by Bollywood veteran Anupam Kher.

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Nothing really matters!

Old (2021)
Director: M. Night Shyamalan

This may not be the best of his movies to watch. After The Sixth Sense (1999) and Unbreakable (2000), his films have been unremarkable. The dialogue is much to be desired, and the plot may have a few holes here and there. Nevertheless, it stays true to most of Shyamalan's movies that explore the paranormal. It even makes one think. In this offering, one is made aware of the dangers of freebies, the subversive nature of Big Pharma and the triviality of our holding of ill feelings and grudges. 

The main protagonists, Guy and Prisca Cappa, are going through a separation. To break the news to their two preteen children, they thought the family could have one final memorable outing together. Prisca is delighted to have found a fantastic bargain for a beach vacation online. Interestingly, as the movie involves Time and ageing, the couple has contrasting occupations - Prisca is a curator in a museum (purveyor of ancient relics), and Guy is an actuary (predictor of future events). 

Surprise, surprise. The whole beach resort is a front for Big Pharma to identify clients with specific medical conditions and put them up for human experimentation with new medications, without their consent, of course. That particular resort had access to a secluded beach with its unique rock formation markedly accelerated the ageing process. Thirty minutes of the passage of Time is equivalent to a year of ageing. Hence, Big Pharma could determine the efficacy and dangers of newfound drugs in record times. 

With or without the drugs experimented on them, the cruel effect shows their sad transformation from their springy gung-ho self, brimming with confidence, to one where minor skirmishes and shortcomings do not matter anymore. Somehow, all the minor dissatisfactions and disappointments in life do not matter. The brutal assault of Time on our ego is blatant. We reverse roles. From an all-knowing adult who juggles wearing multiple hats, our senses fail us miserably. We are clueless about what Time has in store for us - a tumour, mental disorder, debilitating illness or whatever.

In our desperate search for the elixir of youth and immortality, we have sold our souls to Big Pharma. In return for their uninhibited access to our medical information and other unspecified data, we have become sitting ducks to their snake oil and mumbo jumbos.

P.S. The idea that rock formations profoundly affect Man's growth reminds me of the concept behind constructing a Hindu temple. It could be built as and where lands are available. It had to be aligned to the magnetic pole of the Earth. The erection of the main structure is specific and involves the usage of various metals. The conditions needed to be followed for its intended use. A temple was meant to act as a cradle for charging the 'human battery'. People were expected to drop in to 'charge' themselves to meet their daily challenges. Over Time, as monotheistic religions became vogue, to stay relevant, their functions changed. They had to steer their believers away from Ahura Mazda and the desert gods. In essence, rocks, with their mineral contents, affect humans.

8 mysterious ancient temples which lie more or less on the exact geographic longitude of 79° E 41'54" and these famous temples are Kedarnath Temple (Uttarakhand), Kaleshwara Mukteeshwara Swamy Temple (Telangana), Srikalahasti Temple (Andhra Pradesh), Ekambareswarar Temple, Jambukeswara Temple, Annamalaiyar Temple, Nataraja Temple and finally Ramanathaswamy Temple (Tamil Nadu).

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Nature prefers the young...

Broker (South Korea; 2022)
Written, Directed by Hirokazu Kore-eda

Maybe Nature has wired us that way. Whenever we see a baby, a stranger, for no reason, we start cooing and making strange noises or faces to entertain him. Put an adult in the baby's place; nobody will give it a second look. We may be wary of whether the adult would enter our safe zone. A baby, however, is no threat.

Nature knows it is not kind to the living. Violence and destruction are everyday day-to-day occurrences. Imagine being left out in the wild overnight; chances are one would be pounced on or stung by a predator. If not, mere exposure may chance hypothermia or pneumonia. Hence, Nature tries to give the offspring, the harbinger of an improved 2.0 genetic mashup, a dig at life. That is why we get emotionally attached to a miniature version of ourselves, minus all the negativities and the evil thoughts lurking within.

OK, it is OK that Nature wants to ensure the continuity of progeny, and this world is no place for the aged. But it makes procreation too enticing for its participants to resist. Nobody has the foresight to realise the wisdom they would have the morning after. Herein comes all the entanglement and maladies. Kingdoms have fallen, relationships have been ruined, and families have turned apart. Still, sex is the best-selling merchandise on the planet.

This complicated drama tells us how a baby can change one's life. The sight of a newborn makes most people go all jello. The longer we are attached to a baby, the more we are drawn together.

A young girl, So-young, leaves a newborn in the baby box of a church. Unbeknownst to all, the place of worship is under police surveillance. Within minutes of deposition, CCTV recordings are erased, and the baby is ferried away in view of selling it off in the black market.

So-young changes her mind and wants her baby back. She goes to the police when told that the church never received her baby. The baby nappers, Ha Sang-hyeon and his sidekick, Dong-soo, decide to abduct So-young too. All three go on a road trip trying to sell the baby to the highest bidder. 

The time spent on the road bonded them and revealed each other's backgrounds. So-young is a sex worker who had killed her partner after a tiff about not terminating her pregnancy and was on the run. Sang-hyeon and Dang-soo are disgruntled orphans who believe the whole adoption system is a waste of time and have no qualms about a bit of making money out of the unwanted babies.

In the meantime, the widow of the murdered partner has sent some thugs to lay her claim on the baby. The police also try to trap the kidnappers by setting up fake potential buyers. Meanwhile, a couple who recently had a stillbirth desperately seek to adopt a baby.

Is it not ironic that something unwanted suddenly becomes so much sort after?

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Hard times, like good times won't last!

Milestone (Meel Patthar, Hindi/Punjabi; 2021)
Director: Ivan Ayr.

It has been ingrained upon us that we are what we can contribute back to society. In philosophical terms, that is the tithe we pay back to the community for providing the security of numbers and the helping hands from the herd. So, as long as we have something to offer, we will not be looked upon as a burden. It sounds simple enough to prevent sluggards from hogging on the society for alms. And we also assume life will be the same forever and the Universe will be kind to us till the end of time.

With the progressive lengthening of our life spans but incongruous to the available economic opportunities, there is a continual fight for the struggle for the young blood to fill in for the slowing older bodies. 

The average worker will give his life, breath and blood to perform his job to the best of his abilities. He does that not necessarily due to his undying passion for his job. It may be the only thing he is good at. It may be the only thing he has control over; perhaps the scene at the homefront is too depressing with constant harassment or a tone of overbearing melancholy. His job could be his escapism. Over the years, he would be comfortable in his position and start thinking that he is indispensable to the establishment. Slowly he will realise that his service may be replaced by the younger generation. Reality will strike hard.

In this movie, Ghalib, who had just clocked 500,000km on his lorry trips, is respected by his fellow lorry drivers and employers. He has been working in a father-and-son run transportation company. After seeing his colleague dismissed for deteriorating eyesight, Ghalib realises he could be next. Hanging like a dark cloud over his head is the sad memory of his wife, who had just committed suicide. On top of that, his wife's family demands compensation for Ghalib's alleged neglected duties as a husband. Ghalib's wife had suspected that her husband was having an affair which Ghalib vehemently denies. She attributed his constant absence from home due to that. 

Meanwhile, Ghalib's employers ask him to train a young apprentice. Ghalib can see his pink slip coming...

The exciting thing that is apparent in this movie is how senescence may vary according to one's economic strata. A blue worker has an exact shelf life; after that, he has to fend for himself. On the other hand, the professional or managerial groups can continue working till health permits. In the movie, we can see Ghalib living in fear of being replaced at any time. His boss, an old Sadarji, carries on life, delegating the complicated work to his son whilst still holding the right to make crucial decisions. He does not have to worry about retrenchment. He is the boss. 

This is a very slow-moving movie but is heart-wrenching in showcasing the hard knocks of life and how we have to deal with them.

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We are losing our leaves

The Father (2020)

The good die young, they say. So we look sentimentally at the 'Club 27' and bemoan their premature departure from the world of music; we lament the loss of many of their yet composed pieces. We remember them forever as the spirited and creative maestros they were. But, on the other hand, we abhor the many who had obviously overstayed their welcome; a particular nonagenarian two-time ex-Prime Minister comes to mind. It seems the longer we seem to stay alive, the further we get away from the public likeability scale. 

Perhaps we tolerate the old because of fear of what would become of us. In the hope of hope, we think all the good deeds will somehow be recorded and duly reciprocated by the Universe! Maybe, we are struggling to stay afloat in this Ocean of Life that we are looking for support in what we are doing. With the wisdom of having traversed similar paths, we secretly wish that they would give a nod of approval to our actions. 

Jim Morrison, Amy Winehouse and Kurt Cobain 

27 club (has at least 10 members)

We have fond recollections of young relatives, of children who succumbed to ailments way before their time. We remember the charming smile, their pranks and good times spent together. But, unfortunately, it is not the same of a sick relative who demanded de has to endure terminal care of a protracted. Despite all the good times they had offered in their happier, somehow, the memory that lingers in our minds is the latter days of pain and suffering. That, unfortunately, seems to be the first image of them that comes to mind. 

We are familiar with movies highlighting the trials and tribulations of the caregiver or the mess that the person with a mental disorder goes through. Unlike the rest, this movie tells the narrative from the point of the sufferer. As confusing as the orientation to time, space and person can be to a person afflicted with dementia, we, the audience, also get unsettled by the linearity of the story. It keeps flip-flopping, the scenes appear repeated, the background keeps changing, and we cannot really pin down who the bad person. Actually, there are none. Everybody is merely playing their part.

We soon realise that the main character just wants to cling to what he sees as reality, convincing himself that he is not off his rockers, that his judgement is right, and he has everything under control. Despite all the abuses hurled upon her, his daughter feels that caring for her father and sacrificing all her personal desires and ambition is the most filial thing to do. 

Some like to believe that these lost opportunities and the serving are just unsettled business transactions from another lifetime that needed to be completed. Ageing is just like the shedding of leaves of a passing season. Just like a tree that sheds its blades in autumn to go into hibernation before springing out new shoots, old age and passing are inevitable. We 'pass away' into the annals of time. In Tamil, a dead person 'becomes time' - 'காலம் ஆனார்'. 

[P.S. The octogenarian Anthony Hopkin won an Oscar for Best Actor for his role in this movie].

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To tell or not to tell?

The Farewell (2019)

I first heard this story as being narrated by Lulu Wang in the podcast 'American Life'. It tells Lulu's story of how her family dealt with the news of her paternal grandmother's diagnosis of terminal lung cancer. It describes how Lulu's parents, together with her uncle's (father's brother) family in Japan, gathered in China, where the grandmother lives, to bid her farewell. The twist is that the whole family decided not to tell the patient, Nai Nai as she is affectionately referred to. The family, from three countries, descended upon Nai Nai's house under the pretext of celebrating Lulu's Japanese cousin's wedding.

Lulu's role is portrayed as an early 30s Chinese American student who goes to China in a soul-searching journey to rediscover her Chinese identity. She learns to appreciate the traditional family values. As their old values dictate that the happy mind would give a healthy body, the family thought that not telling Nai Nai of her disease and its grave prognosis. Still, instead of keeping her happy in the company of the people loves, it would go a long way in prolonging her life.

The trick seems to have worked in the case of Nai Nai. Even though she was given only three months to live by her Chinese physicians (and the diagnosis was agreed by American doctors), she went on to live another six years.

The traditional wisdom in modern medicine is that the patient has the right to know his or her disease. By understanding the extent of his illness, he is in a position to go all out to combat his ailment, especially which is chronic. This is especially so in cases where the prognosis is uncertain, like in cancers. A patient's attitude and resolve towards fighting the sickness and one-mindedness in battling cancer may actually alter the final outcome.

A person in the terminal stage of her infirmity may want to step up his preparations for the ethereal world. He may want to tick off the items in his bucket list (pun unintended). The content of his will may need alterations and many more.

In many Indian families too, I have noticed that the family would collectively decide that bad news, especially of the medical kind, would not be made known to the elder members. Are the family members worried that breaking bad news may trigger a cardiovascular and emotional meltdown that would be more devastating?

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In the twilight years...

Kominsky Method (miniseries, Seasons 1 -2; 2018-19)
Netflix


People may have led different lives using separate yardsticks as guides to pave their journeys in life, but as they sail towards the tail-ends of their shelf lives, their concerns are the same. They worry about how they would spend the remnants of their human existence. Appreciating that end is nigh, every mild ailment is perceived as the coup de grâce. Many of the familiar faces grace the obituary column. They wonder whether the life that they led could have been better. Regrets start trickling in. So do guilt. The dilemma of 'what ifs' and 'if only' starts playing in their minds. After some soliloquy, they would probably realise that given the circumstances, that was the best they could do.

Invariably, the question of offspring would stream in. The elders would go all out to pave a safe path for the young to pursue. Unfortunately, Nature dictates that the next generation would rebel. Perhaps this is to ensure diversity within a gene pool. Maybe, growing in shielded environments removed the guard that the before had to survive trying times. This would invite frequent intergenerational loggerheads. Ego comes in the way for reconciliation.

Regrets of omissions will be a few. Over time with the experiences drilled by the Life's School of Hard Knock, it would be clear as water their stupid actions made in the spring of youth.  Rather than crying over spilt milk, they would come in terms with their deficiencies.

Growing old is difficult. The world is only for the young. It has no patience for the aged. Having the other half can sometimes help, but it may be a bane as well, especially if the significant other is a source of stress. With the ever-changing family dynamics, many end up alone in their twilight years. 

This sit-com starring Michael Douglas and Alan Arkin highlights the difficulties of growing old, the heartaches, the pain, the fear and the ailments. It pokes fun at many of the things that only the seniors would appreciate. Simple things like having a good stream of urine mean a lot to an old man. He cannot understand why being politically correct is so important. Why should everyone be so easily offended? When did cultural appropriation become a thing? Why don't the youngsters find their jokes funny? When they start a conversation with a young lady, they are labelled as 'dirty old man'. Their interaction with children is viewed as inappropriate.

The two seasons with eight half-an-hour episodes has had heads turning and a third season is in the pipeline.

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Something to talk about when I am old and grey.

Time is cruel! © DKLA

At the pinnacle of their career, the Beatles must have had an existential crisis. McCartney and Lennon must have wondered how they would be at 64. Their vision of a 64-year old man, from the lenses of a person in the 1960s, must have been quite depressing. With bad teeth, bad eyesight and bald, it must be a picture of melancholy.
 Luckily, growing old in the 21st century is bearable. The 60s is the new 40s. One can still lead a productive life in the senior citizen / geriatric age group provided the bus does not come to pick you up prematurely.

After completing 633 km of cycling from Seoul to Pusan in 5 days, we had a couple days to unwind in Pusan. Immersed in the euphoria of completing our gargantuan task, we thought that our feat must be something that we, the seven of us, would be talking for a long time including reminiscing about it in our twilight years. We would probably be savouring each photo that we took along the way, trying to remember each story attached with it; trying to tell it to anyone who would listen.

At the end of their voyage, if life had been kind, people would have many accomplishments to ponder as their moments in time.

I know a few who talk about a time when they were stoned drunk as their memorable bits to justify their existence. They would brag about their inborn ability to hold their drink and drive home safely with their alcohol levels hitting the ceiling many times over. Or perhaps boast in the glee of a lost weekend of intoxication.
There was once a lady's man who had the charm that would put James Bond to shame. He allegedly had bedded so many women in the prime of his youth. This, he told me unashamedly with pride with a gusto of a record-breaking marathon runner. He even boasted of having two dates on a single night in the same town. Living in the fast lane, walking on eggshells, he ended his night bedding both of them, separately. That must be the zenith of his raison d'être.

Others may find pride in satisfying their gustatory cravings. They claim pride in knowing the tastiest of dishes and culinary servings. They may narrate with passion, their food trails, their exotic spread of palatal teasers and perhaps some unusual delicacies. Well, whatever makes them happy.

I bet these photos may one day carve a smile at the angle of my mouth if ever I were comatose or unarousable.

Serenity max ©FG

Another bridge ©FG

Nature's palette ©FG

Peaceful easy feeling ©FG

Misty taste of Korea ©FG

Shades of blue ©FG

Sunset in Korea ©FG

Picture perfect ©FG

A bike motel ©FG

Busan finishing line ©FG

Our hideout in Busan ©FG

I see you ©FG

Korean garden ©FG

Atop Busan Tower ©FG

Jagalchi Fish Market - can see the original features of the Koreans.©FG

Songdo Beach ©FG

Sunset over at Sangdo ©FG

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