The joke that didn't land?

It has nothing to do with mocking the duly departed. No doubt we do not poke fun at the dead. Jocelyn Chia did not ridicule the victims who perished in MH370. She sneered at the country's citizens whose image bearer in the sky went down without a trace of existence. In the same skeet, she peeled bare the impotence of the government, which had lost in the global fight to stay prominent. Whilst the rest of the world is busy improving the saleability of its country and drawing in foreign funds, besides improving human capital and intelligence, Malaysia's leaders are content in drumming the past century's tune of race and religion. The leaders make their gullible subjects feel special when they are merely donning the Emperor's new clothes.

So when Jocelyn haughtily flaunted Singapore's first-world status after being jilted from an intimate relationship, during which the Prime Minister had cried about an uncertain future, she knew her country had done well. Speaking from a standup comedy stage in New York, embraced by the biggest economy in the world, she knows she has bragging rights. After all, the caustic world of standup comedy allows her so, burns, vulgarity, warts and all.

So the high offices of her former country have apologised. Of course, they did. They need the goodwill of their neighbour to oil the nation's machinery and food supply. More than half of the country's think tanks have roots in Malaysia anyway.

If Jocelyn Chia had mocked the falling of the Twin Towers or Pearl Harbour, the US would flip. So the IGP making an Interpol report to locate her will be about to nought. The US is not bothered about hurting the sentiments of a despotic third-world nation. It has to be seen as the purveyor of what it preaches, free speech, freedom of expression and pursuit of happiness.

It is all about playing the victimhood. It has nothing to do with sneering at something of a taboo subject. The recalcitrant son who cut off his umbilical connexion had all reasons to fail and had paradoxically proved his father wrong. Instead of crawling home all scrawny and embarrassed, poor and hungry, the rebel became more prosperous. The old folks, set in their ways, only spiralled down the path of self-aggrandisement. Excited over minor achievements, they praised themselves for newer, trivial, insignificant achievements. As if rubbing salt into an open wound, the Malaysian ringgit hits an all-time low against the Singapore dollar.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License.

It's cold out there!

Joker (2019)

It was a time when I was a teenager. I had been selected to play the role of Jesus Christ in a pantomime. It was an Easter play depicting the Resurrection. Obviously, the most alluring girl in the Sunday class, Catherine, was cast as Mary Magdelene. Everything went on all, and the show was enjoyed by everyone.

I realised the hard way that people are generally not nice, and children are imps. Life is not fair. There is no justice on Earth, and we are kidding ourselves that there is a higher judge out there who would mete out appropriate justice when the time is ripe. As if pacifying a wailing child, we convince ourselves, rather foolishly that payback may happen in the afterlife or next birth.

After the show, the children started teasing me as 'Black Jesus'. Of course, I did not know then that Jesus may have had Negroid features, but I felt particularly offended with the word 'black'. The teasing went on, joined by the other. One particular chap, Jeremy, I think his name was, was particularly aggressive in provoking a reaction. I chased him. When I could not catch with him, I removed my shoe and threw at him. By a twist of fate, it hit him painfully on his back to invoke a counter-reaction. Just about then, the Sunday School Master walked in, only to witness Jeremy getting the shoe treatment.

So began the talk session and after listening out both sides of the story (to be fair), the Master told both Jeremy and me to apologise to each other with a handshake.

I felt that I had been wronged. I had been told to say something that was not my fault at all. There I was minding my own business doing what a good student should do, and there comes somebody to provoke anger, and when I retaliate, I have to apologise. It appeared unfair, but that seems to be the goings of the world. When someone jumps a red light at an intersection to hit you when you are free to go, the fault of the offender is only 80%. The onus also falls on you to ensure that the road is free of traffic before you move. So say, my lawyer friends.

I have many received many WhatsApp messages depicting

him as a Joker. His mannerisms, accent and subject matter 
may not make sense to many but beneath all that is wisdom
that is screaming to be deciphered. Nithyananda of 'the me 
in you' fame. ©Nithyananda.org.

Nature is also not kind. Try spending a night outside in the cold. If you do not die of hypothermia, probably a wild beast will kill you. Play football in the torrential rain, if you do not slip and fall, maybe you would be struck by lightning. Living carelessly in the wild may expose you to zoonotic diseases, parasites in the soil, in arthropods and even the plants and water which are said to be the elixirs of life. They are all just out to get you. What does not kill you only makes you stronger. Life is just not fair. Life is not a bed of roses. It is not a reward.

I started having a soft spot for the cartoon character 'The Joker', especially so after watching Heath Ledger in 'Dark Knight' and his sad ending. This movie just cemented my liking. It highlights the plight of the little men in this world.

We all want to do our things in this world; indulge in niceties, do our things with our loved ones and hopefully, pave a unique path for them to tread. We think that by obeying the rules and setting our life path along the lines set by those who have been, we will be okay. We are deluded into thinking hard work and obedience equal success and happiness. Sadly, this is far from the truth.

There is a constant plot to swindle the masses by those in power to cow them into submission. The poor are their target whenever their economic pursuit hits a brick wall. Again the oppressed gets the blame and the brunt of sufferings when hardship hits a community.

'Joker' shows such a scenario. The divide between the haves and have nots have spread so extensive that the crushed are fighting back. Jokers are the scorns of the system who periodically rise to kick the society in the behind to jolt it to reality. 

They are essentially revolutionaries who make their political statements through noticeable means. Jokers cringe in the inside to make others laugh. At one time, people thought Jesus of Nazareth was a joker - asking his followers to turn the other cheek when struck! 

A good show 4.8/5.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License.

Stitches

A Classic. Based on a real occurrence...

"I am sorry, I won't be able to see in 4 weeks' time," the doctor told Ms Lee as he glanced at his calendar. "It is Agong's birthday."

"We can schedule the appointment to see in 5 weeks, is that ok?"

Ms Lee, an executive in a small assembly plant in the capital city, was scrolling through her smartphone, looking rather perplexed.

"Why, Ms Lee?" Doctor was bewildered to see his patient's facial expression. "You won't be around? You can come and see me earlier if you have any problems."

"Err... June 4th? Agong birthday? Is that a state holiday or a national public holiday?' Ms Lee said with a straight face. "You see, I work in Selangor."

***

Another classic, may not be based on true occurrence...

Bubba, a Texan, was excited to be have won at the raffles to tour Malaysia.  As he was being toured around in a double-decker bus with his mother, a screeching siren brought the bus to a halt.

Confused, Bubba went to the driver of the bus to inquire.

"Sir, why have we stopped? Were you speeding?"

"No, Mister." the driver replied with a smile. "We have to stop for the King!"

Excitedly Bubba ran to his mother who was seated at the back of the bus.

He said, "Mamma, I told you that THE KING IS ALIVE, ELVIS PRESLEY IS ALIVE and HE IS STAYING IN MALAYSIA!"

With a bit of wit and flare!

Thanks CG for contribution. A good one. Unfortunately, I did not laugh all the way to the bank! Speaker of any language, who can appreciate the subtleties and nuances of the language, if he had spoken it long enough and had spent time mixing with the cultures that use the language, will be able to come out with gems like these. All he needs is a crooked mind, wit and a good sense of humour. Coincidentally, a recent study showed that a person with a 'dirty mind' leads a healthier life.

I started a joke...

The modern day management gurus do it. Mystics use it. Motivational consultants use it. Religious leaders try to impart their pseudo-religious knowledge across the landscape sometimes infuse inappropriate jokes to garner more following. And politicians overdo it by trying to act like a clown when their work is only showmanship! To spice up your speech, you are all asked to infuse a little element of humour in your speeches. The message that is put forward is grasped better and the message gets crystal clear.

Really?

The headmaster decided to infuse a little toilet humour into his morning assembly speech about fasting and dining in the lavatory and boy, he created a national crisis. Perhaps, he should have just read out his boring instructions to equally bored unresponsive student. Sanity would have prevailed and mass hysteria would have been averted!

Another incident occurred at an obstetrician clinic. An expectant mother came running for an appointment to have a sonogram of her unborn child.

As the doctor approached her, she blurted, "I heard your machine is very advanced!"
"Why do you say so?" the doctor enquired with glee.
"My friend had her baby scanned. You managed to see her baby's face and you had told her that the baby looks like the father!" she explained with enthusiasm.
Then it all dawned upon him. He had performed an ultrasound on a lady recently. He remembered her baby to be appearing quite chubby, a little too big for comfort. Without meaning to raise alarm or to demotivate her, the doctor had hinted that the baby looks like the father, who was beside them, breathing heavily in his oversized frame with oversized torso to match. Perhaps, instead of talking in riddles, the good doctor should have called a spade a spade. Anyway, he was there to spread the news, good or bad, not for popularity contest!

Pin drop silence

HOW SOME GREAT PEOPLE HANDLED AWKWARD REMARKS BY GIVING AN APT REPLY TO SILENCE EVEN A MOB!!!!!!

Veer Savarkar once started addressing a public meeting in Hindi at Bangalore. The crowd started shouting "Speak in Kannada. We will hear only in Kannada."
Veer Savarkar replied "Friends, I have spent 14 years of rigorous imprisonment in the infamous Andaman Jail where all freedom fighters were kept in jail. I have learned Bengali from the freedom fighters coming from Bengal , Hindi from those coming from Uttar Pradesh, even Gujarati and Punjabi. Unfortunately there was none from Karnataka from whom I could have learned Kannada."

...and there was pin drop silence.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At a time when the US President and other US politicians tend to apologize for their country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some former US personnel handled negative comments about the United States.
JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when Charles DeGaule, the French President, decided to pull out of NATO.
DeGaule said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded "does that include those who are buried here?
DeGaule did not respond.

You could have heard a pin drop.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if US plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.
He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders.
The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done?
He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks when a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.
He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't
have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

.......... AND THE FOLLOWING STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE ..........drum rolls......

Robert Whiting, an elderly US gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman to show a passport to."

You could have heard a pin drop.

Chicken's Invite? (Ajak-ajak ayam)

In the Malay lingo, the phrase 'ajak-ajak ayam' refers to an insincere invitation. Of course, many of us invite for courtesy's sake, but then the invitee may think that the invitation is for real! How does anyone know? Inviters and invitees must be smart enough to take the cue that one party may have gatecrashed with ulterior motives, or the other may not want him to join in the first place!

Easily twenty years ago, my family was invited to a toddler's birthday party. As my children were toddlers, too, we were requested to come early so that my kids could run around and play in their big compound. And that the host said she would arrange a series of games for them to enjoy.

So there we were in the early evening at a house that resembled very little of one immersed in joy and celebration. Instead, we were greeted by a house devoid of activities and no guests. The host was still out shopping her last-minute list, and her helper was knee-deep in her preparations to clean up the premises. Time dragged on so so slowly.

The host sauntered in, smiling as if she had struck the lottery and asked us to look around as if nothing was the matter. Guests (younger kids only) were sent by parents to run around the compound. Children, being children, were running around in circles in the humid tropical evening like a dog would be trying to catch its own tail. Unlike a pig, they were all sweating and clammy. And the host was still lost in her work as the dusky sky was slowly engulfed by the twilight of darkness. Feeling thirsty and hungry (did I mention no food or beverages were served?), we politely informed the host that it was time for us to leave. I was taken aback when she curtly said, "OK then, see you around!". No, hang on there, Just a minute. We'll start when more guests arrive, nothing.

And we headed to the nearest food court for our own party! It was a memorable party, no doubt, as we still laugh about it and tell ourselves how to be a gracious host. Lessons in life...

Then there is another story... I do not know why I befriend these people. Maybe I am too kind or just too gullible! So, this guy persistently kept on insisting that we should all go out as a family for a meal together as he and this family had been to my humble abode many a time for dinners.

After many clashes of dates, my wife finally managed to arrange a dinner at a nice Chinese restaurant. The day came, and there we were, my family only. My friend, the supposed host, dragged himself in almost an hour later, in piecemeal.- first, his wife, his kids and finally the man, complaining "traffic jam' traffic jam"!

After the cursory pleasantries, we dug deep into the chow.
As the curtain call rolled in, the talk became redundant, laboured with many draggy sentences. I thought it was customary for the host (my friend) to call it a day or ask whether there was a need to order more desserts. But hell no, he and his wife just got up and thanked us heartily for the meal; good luck, good health, blah, blah.

And guess who took the tab?
It was not even a chicken's invite (ajak-ajak ayam) as the restaurant served seafood only!

All a joke

It happened many times before, year in year out, it is the same story. Ladies and Gentleman, it is that time of the year when the police awakes from their slumber, carried their potbellied sorry er... asses to give their ever popular annual discount on the summonses faithfully accumulated by die-hard traffic offenders. The main stream paper will create an aura of urgency that the force means business this time around and does a countdown on the deadline. The papers would be flashing pictures of never ending queue of offenders trying desperately, waiting from the wee hours of the morning, to clear their debt with the police. The law abiding citizens would look at this and gleefully think, "Serves them right!" Like an anti-climax and a wet blanket, the dead line would come and there would an extension to the date. And the police would say, "This time we mean business. Read my lips, no more second chance, we will get you."
Did I forget to mention about the antics and records of sorts done by the offenders? The papers would shamelessly show some guy bragging how many summonses he had accumulated over the year and how much he paid whilst proudly posing with his long winding bill in front of him. Like this this guy who had to pay for 270 summonses! Hey, breaking the law makes you, maybe not so rich but indeed famous (or is it infamous)!
With the motor vehicle accidents rates in Malaysia being scarily high, the police is just preparing more material for the papers to write on to meet up their dwindling sales. First, there would be a bad bus accident. Then the surviving victims would say the bus driver was driving recklessly and went astray. The authorities would come in later to say that they would look into the matter, no stone would be left unturned. A few days later, the nation would be shell-shocked that the killer had so many outstanding summonses that he would not even be fit to ride a bullock cart. We would all brood in talk shows over radio and be appalled on how such an animal with such a blemished record could be allowed to hold the steering wheels and prowl meekly on our roads. Hue and cries would be raised and everybody would suggest ingenious ways to nip the problem in the bud; the howl reaching a crescendo, plateau and fizzle out as rapid as it sparked and life as we know it would go on like nothing happened.... Obladi Oblada...
And do not let me start about the international flight by night undercover individuals who manifest and disappear as slithery as KGB or Moussad and and vanish right under our eyes like Julie's biscuits (Now you see it and now you don't!). And we are not talking of smooth talking suave debonair of Ian Fleming's  Iron Curtain hero who could break your heart with his dimpled teethy smile. I am talking about our menace in the backyard, the illegal immigrants. Like mushrooms after a tropical rain, they have been flourishing under the noses of the authorities as colonies in most suburbs over the years. Occasionally, the immigration officers (probably under a new chief - the new broom) would suddenly awake from their Sleeping Beauty slumber to put things in order. They would realize that the scale of the problem was too hard to handle. Ingeniously, they would offer amnesty period in the spirit of Ramadhan or 'penduduk serumpun' (natives of the same stock). After that period, the colonies would be Ghost Towns just to be haunted by new shipment all over again. And they all will come in new names and spanking new passports, thanks to corrupt officers in their motherland! And our officers? Pulling the blankets to make themselves more comfortable.
It is all a big joke but sadly no one is laughing because the joke is on us. 


P.S. I see, now I  understand why Indonesian patients seems aloof when their names are called by the clinic nurses. There is only so many names they can remember!