Between words and actions!

When I was young, Amma thought I was a disappointment. In her mind, she felt that children had to be loud, commanding and cocksure about everything - not, like her son, passive, agreeing to most everything and giving too much space for the benefit of the doubt.

She would often quote that this neighbour's son is brilliant and speaks well, that the neighbour's kid is doing well in school, and that I should pick a cue or two from them to succeed in life. Actually, she was more colourful in expressing her disappointment.

The truth of the matter is, in my opinion, most domineering mothers give rise to submissive children. It is not so much that it is genetically coded; it is a case of conditioned nurturing.

Amma's mantra is that to succeed in life, one has to have confidence and the gift of the gab. Her tough childhood in post-WWII Malaya made her and her siblings acquire the enviable skills of street smartness and the ability to sell ice to Eskimos.

Like the eyes, the mouth and the words it expresses are the window to what lies within the soul. One must be articulate to capture hearts in interviews and win arguments or elections. My siblings and I miserably disappointed Amma in that department.

I do not think there is any wisdom in Amma's view of the world. Two contemporary examples took my thoughts back.

The present PM was such a good orator that everybody in the country thought he was the solution to all the nation's problems. Conveniently, the then PM then had scandals after scandals that he tried to push under the carpet. Naturally, the current PM was given the mandate to take the realm. Two years into his leadership, everyone can see he can talk much better than he can rule.

The first round of the US Presidential Debate had started. Democrats and Republicans agree that it was a sad state of something hardly resembling a debate. Trump did not have to draw his trademark tirades against Biden but wait for him to fumble and mumble. If articulation and verbosity were so crucial in convincing voters, what did the Democrats think when they agreed to allow a senile and obviously ill Biden to take the rostrum?

Action speaks louder than words. If Modi's modus operandi were anything to go by, an effective leader must work below the surface, calculating and executing his moves without having multiple press releases and public declarations of intent. He must be seen doing things, not just talking or at least walking the talk.

On a sobering note, my siblings and I have not done too poorly for ourselves. The people that Amma asked to emulate and look up to as role models did not end up meeting Amma's expectations in adulthood.

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Father of the bride's headache!

Good evening. A warm welcome to everyone here. A special welcome to Raphael and Maggie. Selamat datang to the rest and Marc’s family and friends. I guess Marc’s family and friends are no longer Marc’s alone. They are ours, too. Accept our humble salutations. 

In the Indian tradition, more often than not, they want their firstborn to be a male. Back in the 90s, when Divya was born, friends would give unsolicited advice. “It’s ok. The next one will definitely be a boy.” - as if we asked for an opinion, as if they knew, as if we cared. Then Tania was born, and they again gave a sigh. 

And again, as if we asked. Rinse and repeat. That is until Keshav and Danny rolled along.

30 years on, I can stand proud and say they have done well in their own right. 

Many years ago, my friend was getting married. As the main event was over, he saw his father-in-law give a sigh of relief, caressing his chest. He was heard telling his friend, “Ahh, my big headache is over!”  

My friend only understood what he meant 10 years after being married to his father-in-law’s headache. 

We would like to believe it’s our loss and Marc’s gain… of a headache. 

Marc and Divya, jokes aside, you are stepping into a new phase of life. We all just want to wish both of you clear skies and sunny days ahead. There will be rainy days ahead, but don’t fret about it; try singing and dancing in the rain instead. From what I see in Indian movies,
it must be fun. 

Good luck in your future endeavours. 

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Listen, hear and sleep on it!

Good evening everybody. In case you are wondering, we are gathered today to commemorate the matrimony of our daughter Tania and the new addition to the family, our son-in-law, Durgesh. This sounds like the flight attendant announcing over the speaker that we are seated on flight so-and-so to wherever after the extensive checking at the counter, immigration, departure hall, blah, blah. I am waiting for someone, just one day, to jump out yelling, "damn, I'm on the wrong flight!"

Firstly I would like to extend a big welcome to the Ahirwar family from Jabalpur. Also to friends and relatives from near and far. Family members have no choice, there have to be present here today.

Life used to be much easier those days. Tarzan saw Jane, and he said, 'I, Tarzan, you Jane!' And they started a family. Then the young men had to kidnap their brides. They had to ride on horseback and kidnap a girl they fancied in the cloak of the dark and ride with their bride into the night. And now you have all these rituals and obligations to fulfil. Life becomes more and more complicated every day.

Someone mentioned during my wedding that a wedding celebration is a public declaration of one's private intent. Whatever the purpose of the celebration is, it is the upholding of the institution of marriage that matters at the end of the day.

I would like to tell a little secret to the newlyweds to maintain mental health. To Durgesh, hearing and listening are two different things. Sometimes you need to hear only, not listen, to have a peaceful sleep. However, the problem is, to reply, you need to listen. Think about it.
To Tania, whatever problems may crop up, just sleep on it. Things will usually appear clearer after a good night's sleep. Thinking becomes easier. And sometimes, problems have a funny way of solving themselves. But sometimes, not all the time.

To the newlyweds, a happy, fruitful married life. May you prosper and have all the nice things in life.

Thank you.

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Silence is a rare commodity

Silence is golden, they say. Sometimes all that you needed to do was to do nothing. Precious time can be used to ponder, meander and introspect. These things are necessary to take stock of our performances in our duties as parents, siblings, offspring, employers, employees, pet owners or just as a mere person. Libraries, parks, open spaces, temples of worship and wilderness once were freely available for this purpose.

On the one hand, we say that resting is part of training and that still water runs deep or that only the empty makes the loudest noise. In the same breath, we also say that an idle mind is the devil's workshop, as if our brain must always be doing something at all times.

Perhaps, it was a ploy by the people in power so as not to make his subjects a thinking lot. The modus operandi is to keep their minds occupied only with their almighty bosses' rhetorics - no place for the lowly minions to start using the brains to start a revolution!

Fast forward to the present time, they are at it still. Our minds are constantly bombarded with stimuli, be it visually, auditorily, aurally or by other suggestions. Look at the library. There are computer terminals that have connections to the world wide web. Even in solitude, man is not an island. He is in touch with the rest of the world via his hand-held devices. His daily life is inundated with snippets of jingles and advertisements. 

At no time is Man's grey cells indeed at a standstill. It is consistently being overwhelmed with neuronal transmissions. Even at sleep, with all effort by the subconscious mind to purge off unnecessary information through dreams, there is no actual silence of the brain. 

Silence is not only golden as it prevents embarrassment when we cannot think of the correct answer, but it also paves a platform to look at our position from a third person's perspective. Things always seem crystal clear from the outside. 

https://asok22.wixsite.com/real-lesson 

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That's why we sing!

As if by the interference of the divine forces, in two seemingly unrelated events, coincidences happen. In the first, the name Giorgio Moroder was mentioned within a span of a day (after not having heard the name mentioned since the 90s). In the other, two podcasts featured on the same topic - speech difficulties and singing. The general understanding is that stammering and singing are apparently not compatible. Unlike 'The Who' who came up with their 1965 hit song "My Generation', where the lead singer tries to sing with a stutter, the general consensus is that stammerers cannot string the words before the next beat. Wrong.

In a documented case, as can be heard in the podcast below, an Indianapolis local resident, Ellen Spencer, was admitted for a neurological condition and came out of the hospital with a slurred speech. Even though at one look, her speech may sound like a French-accented English but on greater scrutiny, she had problems pronouncing certain syllables and had a bad lisp. Having no French ancestry or sojourn outside the country, her condition became what was considered a medical mystery. It was later found that she was suffering from 'Foreign Accent Syndrome'. As her life did not revolve around reading dialogues or reading news, her life went on by. She was thankful. However, she could still sing like an angel like she always had in the church, with all the right pronunciation, intonation and perfect pitch as well as modulation of voice. Amazing.

In yet another instance, a young man from Mumbai, Aditya Narayan (a.k.a. Aditya N.), with a stuttering problem faced a lot of difficulties trying to convince people in the Indian music industry to take him in. Despite his handicap in not being able to string complete sentences without hesitations, he persevered. Testimony of his achievement is his CV includes being amongst the doyens of the multi-billion movie and music industry. On top of all that, he sings, as seen in the link below the photo.

The wiring in our brain is somewhat different between speaking and singing. When one speaks, the sentences are strung in a particular manner which is open to choices. In singing, however, vocalisation works in tandem with preset beats and rhythm and not so open-ended. Hence, there is no pressure for all thoughts to be squeezed out through a single sentence. Perhaps, the brain is having difficulties of coordination as too many are trying to come out. Maybe, stammerers are teeming with ideas, and they have problems putting the best one forward.

N.B. Ed Sheeran, the two time Grammy Award winner, has the same stutter problem.

BBC Podcast: My Indian Life by Kalki Koechlin

https://asok22.wixsite.com/real-lesson 

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Where is wisdom?

Image Credit: superhv.com

Bruce Lee is famous not only for his martial art skill. He is also renowned for his ability to infuse traditional Confucius wisdom into contemporary modern living. One of his quotations goes as follows ‘A learned man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer’! Shakespeare too mentioned something to that effect. ‘A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool!’

 We are always under the impression that wisdom can learn from the books and scriptures and that one can wise just by sitting down and burying himself in the company of books. I disagree.

First, let us define ‘wisdom’. Wisdom can be described as the soundness of one’s action based on his application of experience, knowledge and good judgement. Somewhere along the way, there would also be empathy. 

True, academic knowledge is necessary for one to gain wisdom. From the books, we can acquire a wealth of knowledge in such a short time at the comforts of our chairs and homes. But is this wisdom? Are we able to put in practice? We can sit around all day learning about the intricacies and minute details of cycling, but, unless we go out and learn to coordinate our balancing with our pedalling, we would not go far, literally.

Just because a person may not be looking scholarly and may not be speaking the same language as us, we cannot assume the other person is unwise. The Native Indians and the Australian aborigines were always looked down upon as uncultured and lacking in common knowledge by the invaders from the West. Fast forward to the future, now, everyone appreciates the subtleties of their language and advanced nature of their civilisation to live in a symbiotic relationship with Nature and all its occupants. The human race cannot be considered wise until and unless he realises that they have only one Earth. This is our home, and we are not going anywhere in the near future. What is the use of all the high-tech pieces of machinery which able to reap the treasures of Mother Earth and leaving a barren wasteland for our generations to come?

Take a person off the street from any of these densely populated towns of a third world country - Mumbai, Rio de Janeiro or Cairo. The streets in those cities are reeling with vagabonds and members of the public who lost out in the gruelling rat race of urban living. And yet, these people still lead fulfilling lives in their own ways. It is called street smartness. It is a very tangible skill that one can learn living amongst the dwellers of the street. If you and I were left to fend ourselves in these environments, we would not last a third day. The dexterity to outmanoeuvre challenges in such climate is something being in the field. These people have the wisdom to survive however hard ‘the tough gets going’!

An Indian poet once said that Man saw the birds and he made planes; He saw the Moon and he built a rocket; He heard echoes and he made radio. Basically what the poet is saying is that there are a lot of wisdom that we can learn if we keep over senses open. We can learn empathy from seeing sick, handicapped and the old people who are suffering around us. Look at the members of the avian population and we can understand how is it is to fly mammoth distances if we do it groups and car-pooling. Even things as minute as bacteria and viruses may teach us a thing or two. Their ability to withstand the constant insult from pharmaceutical agents via genetic mutation can spur new approaches to combat various diseases that plague mankind, like cancers and other lethal viral illnesses.

(Thanks DKLA for input)

The right to offend and be offended

http://www.familytrek.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/DI-I-offend-you.jpg

I saw a video clip recently on the social media. It took place within the confines of an underground train. A mother was seen nursing her infant in a sparsely occupied coach. She was admonished for exposing herself in public. The man who accused her of public indecency insisted that his liberty of not wanting to see a naked lady had been denied. Slowly, the fellow passengers joined to support the lactating mother, but the man stood his ground. He accused her of not bothering about how others would feel seeing a naked breast in plain view. The argument went on for some time till it was time for one of them to disembark.

A few months ago, a Muslim man is a Hindu-majority village in India was lynched to death when the village holy man announced that a particular occupant was in possession of beef. A mob, primarily vegans who thought that by controlling their cravings for blood and meat would be able to reach eternal bliss and be one with God, decided to ambush the Musalman's abode and make mince meat out of him.

So, there is a dilemma between what is offensive and when it acceptable to feel offended? Is it all right to offend another as it is an individual's right to do what he wants? Is it not also a person's right not to be ridiculed of his practices and be offended? The world community has agreed that every human creation has been bestowed upon him certain rights. Hence, by right, he should be able to demand those things that are due to him. But, only he alone is entitled to human rights, not the person he is offending?

On the other hand, feeling offended is the story of humanity. This offence drives him to strive harder. The natives who felt offended by the antics of their colonial master for treating them as sub-human were the driving force that pushed them to strive harder to squash the yoke of colonisation. This inferiority complex pushed humanity forward to fight orthodoxy.

Are we mollycoddling the minority or the vulnerable by giving them an umbrella of protection by shielding them from the reality of the world? Perhaps we should reflect upon these two quotations:

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

~Eleanor Roosevelt

“Avoiding offense means that we don't accept each other as equals.”

~Ayaan Hirsi Ali (activist, reformist, opponent of FGM)

The best graduation speech!

Young King Solomon

Now it is that time of the year where a certain group of teenagers aged 17 will be mollycoddled with their favourite cooking and given lots of space in the house. They would be kings, ensuring peace and quiet in the house and metaphorically could get away with murder. Refrigerators would be packed with chocolate and packet drinks. And the queue of parents waiting at the school gate to pass the hot burger or brain soup is a sight to to behold. All these in the hope that the parents would not be blamed for their failures in examinations. As more and more Malaysian parents become rodents in the race for academic excellence, character building, extra-academic performance and development of the non-dominant side of the brain takes a back burner! But that is another story...
I remember back in November 1994, in the wintery chilly winds of Edinburgh, I was walking aimlessly past the museum when I bumped into, of all person,  my euphoric varsity mate (BBP) whom I had not laid eyes on over 6 years just manifested in front of me. Euphoric, because he had cleared his professional examinations. Talk about the world being small! Edinburgh is for Malaysian aspirants to specialize in the field of medicine, like Paris was for writers in 1920s - great place to meet the same minded. In another instance, a guy (SS) jumped right in front of me from a moving bus and he happened to be working in the same place back in Malaysia!

Rush with goodies!

RCP, Edinburgh

So BBP became my soul mate for the couple of  days before his departure home. I had the privilege of attending his convocation in the ceremonial-rich occasion, full regatta with bag pipes and tartans in the Royal College of Physicians in Edinburgh. The then President of the College made a memorable speech which I thought was very apt and hit the nail right where it should. He said something to the effect of that the scrolls received by the candidates were not just success of the recipients alone. It is also the result of all the sacrifice of the loved one (wives, parents, children) in doing little things like making that thick  black coffee and other trivial things. How true!