The hard work of marriage!

Winter Sleep (Kis uykusu, Turkish; 2014)
Director: Nuri Bilge Ceylan

https://www.amazon.com.au/Winter-Sleep-Movie/
dp/B00PULVVWU

This is a lengthy film, prompting one to ponder what message it aims to convey. Is it the strained relationship between the protagonist and his much younger wife? The main character is Aydin, a retired (failed) actor who has retreated to a bitterly cold part of the country to manage a small hotel that is predominantly out of business during winter. He also owns a few rental properties in the area. He regularly writes in an online column, sharing his observations of the world around him and offering veiled sarcasm to no one in particular. 

Since he examines everything critically, much like an outsider would, is he being a snob? Is he condescending towards the poor or to those who believe in God? At least, that is how the young wife, Nihal, perceives it. She is exasperated by the fact that she is toiling away in the cold rather than in Istanbul, where things are lively. Also staying with them is Aydin's estranged sister, who has separated from her abusive alcoholic husband but now yearns for the good old days with him. 

A few things unfold along the way concerning a hostile tenant and a suspicious donor in Nihal's donation campaign. These events shape Aydin's outlook on life, particularly after both his wife and sister make unpleasant remarks about him during different conversations. This is how the story goes…

It is said that the union of marriage involves sharing and giving. Initially, it is 'what's mine is yours, and what's yours is mine.’ It begins as a compromise. No one seeks to dominate the other; rather, they work hand in hand and shoulder to shoulder to ensure that this esteemed institution remains intact. 

Then, it becomes, 'what's mine is mine, and what's yours is yours.' The promise of a joint venture to ensure the continuity of species begins to develop tiny cracks. The fear of being dominated and sidelined for self-interest begins to creep in. Perhaps something has been brewing under the radar surreptitiously. The innate fear of being taken for a fool also seeps in.

That is when all shields begin to rise. What is yours is mine, and what is mine is mine, becomes the renewed mantra. As the inner realisation unfolds and the affairs of the world serve as a guiding light, paranoia sets in. Terms such as gaslighting and secrecy will be introduced into the arena. 

Marriages are not made in heaven, but the institution is chiselled out on Earth. It takes a lot of hard work, and hands do get dirty. 

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Till death do us part?

Over the past few years, a couple of my childhood friends had the misfortune of having lost their spouses to cancer. One of them fought the deadly disease tooth and nail, but unfortunately, after three long years, the disease got the better of her. He lost the good fight. My devastated friend went awol for an entire year, deciding that solitaire was the best remedy for a broken heart. The societal expectation for the grieved to open up his emotions and replay them like a broken record was not for him. 

One year after her demise, at 60, he introduced his new other half to the world. Conversations and felicitations on his plunge revealed that it was a necessary indulgence for him. Even though his children were married and he was a grandfather three times over, he felt the need for intimate touch and passion. He is a happy man. The memory of his old wife is very much alive, and he will cherish them till the end of time.

Another friend with a couple of late teenage, young adult daughters, lost his wife after a long tiring battle with ovarian malignancy. Still reeling from the loss, he was still not out of the woods yet when I spoke to him six months after her demise. He still felt her presence around the house, and his mind kept playing, reminiscing the good times, playing back obscure events in their wedded bliss to miss her more. 

I slowly introduced the idea of finding a replacement to fill the void; he asserted that he was pretty sure. At that juncture, he only wanted to spend the rest of his years living in dear memory of his duly departed. He feels complete without a need to build a new one. 

Out of curiosity, I enquired from another dear childhood buddy whose wife is hearty, healthy, and kicking. Heaven forbids, if his partner were to die, what would he do? Is remarriage on the plate? Without batting an eyelid, he said he would envisage himself taking a new partner. It is not as much for physical gratification but for social interaction and communication. He felt that was necessary for healthy mental health. 

Yet, when posed with a similar question, another pessimistic realist friend viewed his one stint in matrimony as enough to last his whole lifetime. Gone are the days when intimacy and husband-wife interaction played a pivotal role in his daily life. He had started enjoying the company of he and himself, exploring new frontiers to expand his knowledge and experience. He guesses that his wife is in the same boat, too. Over the years, embroiled in the hard knocks of life, they grew apart, from being co-dependent to interdependent to independent, sometimes contradictory just for the kick of it, able to stand alone to face the music. 

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Will go on, with or without you!

Marriage Story (2019)

You start a family appointing yourselves as the nucleus and the other appendages as equal partners and essential requirements of the cells. You do your part thinking that they would do the same. You assume that even though the nucleus is the first pre-requisite, the others would take their place and do their part for a balanced multifunctional cell. 

You think that everything is fine until it hits you one day. The nucleolus, which is an integral part of you starts telling you that you are evil. That you are gaslighting her. That you think that you are the only one that matters. 

Before you can realise what hit you, you are bamboozled with examples of your so-called ‘misdemeanours’ as if you did it for your own selfish reasons. You thought it was for a harmonious internal milieu, but it did not appear so. You thought every organelle was in concert with that - to maintain zen. Suddenly your every action is against you like you are some kind of evil bacteriophage that takes the bejesus out of every living organism. 

You relent. You think of other occupants amongst the cytoplasm. Is it a temporary hiccough in the differentiation process? You procrastinate. You assume everything will revert to normalcy. 

It does not. You find out that every member to pointing accusing fingers at you. You try to fight, but you would not want to hurt your own fluid and membrane. You relent. Everything changes. The dynamics that you had dreamt are now but a terrible nightmare. You do not matter anymore. You are redundant. The cell can still function without you, apparently.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License.