Dear Thelma,
I am a 19 year old lady with very low self esteem right now. I am writing with the hope that you may empathise with my predicament. Hopefully you can help me justify with the big action that I am going to do right now.
Growing up in the interior of Sarawak, education was not a priority. Carrying on clan's tradition and continuing the women's roles in the family was paramount to the existence of our gender. As the importance of education and need for self empowerment were not impressed upon us, we were raised to believe that we were born to serve the men folks and keep the home in pristine condition and not to stress up the men of the house. Going to school, which itself was a bore, a chore and a burden to the family, I found the long journey to school on raft and foot a nuisance. Hence, I was pleasantly and naively surprised when I joined the band of girls who started vomiting in school, not due sub-optimal preparation of canteen meals but rather because of bludgeoning dose of placental hormones and HCG on the medulla oblongata!
At the speed of lightning (very very frightening me), I saw my carefree days of childhood crush tumbling down like a deck of dominos. I was paraded through a ceremony to give a name to our lusty at the spur of the moment escapade. Very soon my physique ballooned out of proportion unimaginable even in my wildest nightmare!
At the speed of lightning too, I discovered that the man of life was a two (or maybe three) timer and also the man of another woman before me and had offsprings to prove his virility!
As I discovered that as my petite body bloated up with edema of pregnancy, my affaire d'amour with my 'The One' came crumbling down. I was just another one of the statistic of the many helpless victims of 'The One'!
A protracted pregnancy and labour ended with an offspring with essentially killed my childhood. Free time for me was folding diapers and cleaning the house. One year went on... My long lost aunt appeared from nowhere to change my life. She told me to take charge of my life. She persuaded me to crawl out of the cocoon that I have built for myself and change my life. She peeled opened my eyes to see a world more than just brooding over my misfortune.
With a renewed zest for life and the glitz for the good life, I made a drastic make over of myself. Off I came to the Peninsular for life anew.
The blinding lights of the city brought me to heights unimaginable by a village lass like me. In due time, it brought to me the acquaintance of Mr Z. The showering of gifts and attention must have drowned in his sea of love. Pretty soon the sweet fruit of passion begin to rear its ugly head. The spinning whirlwind of dizziness with accompanying sickness without motion soon ensued.
Suddenly reality hit me smack on my head! History seem to be repeating itself, yet again!
What kind of a mother am I?
One unplanned unwanted child growing up in wilderness like undergrowth, unattended to, without love and attention, without role model to follow, without a mother, unwanted and shooed away like a house fly! And now, as if bringing one wild flower to the world is not enough, I am here with another, out in the world so cold. Unsupported and unable to stand on my own two feet. How many times am I going to be the source of offspring who are a nuisance to others? What can I do? What should I do?
I want to start living as a wife and mother like anyone else, married and settled down. My partner, somehow, has other plans. He cites young age and need to improve his economic status as sufficient reason to terminate our art of love! Am I just a pawn in the game of love and sweet nothingness?
It is easy for the uppity high-browed individuals to judge me, that I deserve what I got, that I am short on the religious faculty. It is easy to judge. To err is is human, be in my shoes and you will understand....
Right here still waiting.
I am a 19 year old lady with very low self esteem right now. I am writing with the hope that you may empathise with my predicament. Hopefully you can help me justify with the big action that I am going to do right now.
Growing up in the interior of Sarawak, education was not a priority. Carrying on clan's tradition and continuing the women's roles in the family was paramount to the existence of our gender. As the importance of education and need for self empowerment were not impressed upon us, we were raised to believe that we were born to serve the men folks and keep the home in pristine condition and not to stress up the men of the house. Going to school, which itself was a bore, a chore and a burden to the family, I found the long journey to school on raft and foot a nuisance. Hence, I was pleasantly and naively surprised when I joined the band of girls who started vomiting in school, not due sub-optimal preparation of canteen meals but rather because of bludgeoning dose of placental hormones and HCG on the medulla oblongata!
At the speed of lightning (very very frightening me), I saw my carefree days of childhood crush tumbling down like a deck of dominos. I was paraded through a ceremony to give a name to our lusty at the spur of the moment escapade. Very soon my physique ballooned out of proportion unimaginable even in my wildest nightmare!
At the speed of lightning too, I discovered that the man of life was a two (or maybe three) timer and also the man of another woman before me and had offsprings to prove his virility!
As I discovered that as my petite body bloated up with edema of pregnancy, my affaire d'amour with my 'The One' came crumbling down. I was just another one of the statistic of the many helpless victims of 'The One'!
A protracted pregnancy and labour ended with an offspring with essentially killed my childhood. Free time for me was folding diapers and cleaning the house. One year went on... My long lost aunt appeared from nowhere to change my life. She told me to take charge of my life. She persuaded me to crawl out of the cocoon that I have built for myself and change my life. She peeled opened my eyes to see a world more than just brooding over my misfortune.
With a renewed zest for life and the glitz for the good life, I made a drastic make over of myself. Off I came to the Peninsular for life anew.
The blinding lights of the city brought me to heights unimaginable by a village lass like me. In due time, it brought to me the acquaintance of Mr Z. The showering of gifts and attention must have drowned in his sea of love. Pretty soon the sweet fruit of passion begin to rear its ugly head. The spinning whirlwind of dizziness with accompanying sickness without motion soon ensued.
What kind of a mother am I?
One unplanned unwanted child growing up in wilderness like undergrowth, unattended to, without love and attention, without role model to follow, without a mother, unwanted and shooed away like a house fly! And now, as if bringing one wild flower to the world is not enough, I am here with another, out in the world so cold. Unsupported and unable to stand on my own two feet. How many times am I going to be the source of offspring who are a nuisance to others? What can I do? What should I do?
I want to start living as a wife and mother like anyone else, married and settled down. My partner, somehow, has other plans. He cites young age and need to improve his economic status as sufficient reason to terminate our art of love! Am I just a pawn in the game of love and sweet nothingness?
It is easy for the uppity high-browed individuals to judge me, that I deserve what I got, that I am short on the religious faculty. It is easy to judge. To err is is human, be in my shoes and you will understand....
Right here still waiting.
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